I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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