I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
