Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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