only you would photoshop your dick
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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