I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
