and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
