remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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