im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
