I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Randomize
