we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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