I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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