Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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