I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
