Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
