i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
