i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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