She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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