I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
