PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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