I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
