I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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