WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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