that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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