i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
