dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
