I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
