I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
