why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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