I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
