Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Small penises have feelings too.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My liver just had a heart attack.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
