Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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