I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
