I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
