On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
