I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
