Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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