I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
