His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
