i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
