Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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