I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I don't deserve a penis
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I love you.
Bad choice
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
