I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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