Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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