6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
