He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
