Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
