He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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