He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My feet surprised me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
