you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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