now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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