i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
