tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
